my escape, a safe haven

I broke up with my girlfriend recently, and yes, that is a very bold way to start a post, but I can't lie, that's just what's on my mind. It's been a confusing process of self-doubt, indecisiveness and regret that has honestly taken it's toll. But no matter, I will continue on, if not for myself then for my friends, whom I love dearly.

To be completely honest, I've felt quite guilty for all of this, not only because I hurt a person who I held dearly to my heart, but also because I can't seem to make up my mind. Of course, because this is a public blog-like website, and I would never go into that much detail when it comes to personal topics just for random strangers to read it (though they never will, but that's a different topic) but I will speak my mind on it, as a way to process my emotions. She was my first love ever, after many failed attempts at meeting people. Sincerely, for me it was love at first sight, which makes it so much worse for me since I feel that partly that spark has gone somewhere I can't follow. I hurt her, deeply, and that is a burden I carry every day. But she worked on forgiving, on moving on, despite that clearly being a bit harder than either of us expected, but then, she hurt me too, repeatedly, and despite knowing she stood by me in the harshest times, I can't help but feel hopeless, unloved and lonely. This had lead a big part of me to want to leave and distance myself from her. Another fraction of myself wants to hang on for dear life, and never let go, an unhealthy thought I believe, because deep down I know the best for both probably isn't that. And there is also one I fear the most, the part that feels obligated to stay. I don't much know what to make of all this, I'm not built for this kind of issue, I try to find support where I can but it's hard, an internal struggle for which I can't seem to muster up courage to confront. I want love, give and take, it is something I desire deeply, but I'm afraid this part of me who doesn't want it to be her is right, I'm afraid I will follow through with that. In the end, I know I'll figure something out, I always have. I'll see her tomorrow at her house, it is pretty far away but she said she needed me to be with her, to solve her doubts which she refuses to talk about through chat.

It's not all bad however, my life has been taking a rare positive turn, these past few days I've felt happy, fulfilled and I see a lot of possibilities ahead, I have many personal projects now, this being one of them, and I am very excited to follow through with them, to express and create what I feel like. I've started to meet new people, make new friends and get into more stuff, I've always tried to be the type of friend I wished I had, and despite how egotistical it might sound, I honestly think I've been doing great. Sincerely (and I'm sorry if I use that word too much, but I'm severely sleepy and can't think of anything better) I've also grown interested in finding a new person to love, which is a space I want to grant myself, maybe after a while, a lot still has to be sorted out, and I still have to decide what I want for my future. In the end, it all boils down to what I choose, and regardless of what is is, I'll try to make the best of it. I also don't really wanna turn this place into a personal drama dump kind of thing, it's still my artistic space after all, so I'll try to put up stuff I deem suitable for publishing here.

I have a lot to reflect on, and that will have to be tomorrow. I hope for the best, for me, for her, for everyone, all I want is to be happy, and for her to be happy too. I have high hopes, but low expectations.