I am surprised at how well things went, if I am being honest. We talked for hours, and though she shed tears, which has always made me feel uneasy, we managed to calm down and continue. In the end, it felt good. Four hours is a long time for a conversation, especially one filled with weight and emotion, but we touched on everything we could.

We spoke about how my spark was fading, about the past and how we both carried it, about what could be done and what was already beyond us. I opened up more than I usually do. I was always afraid of how she might react, so I tended to keep things to myself, but this time I spoke plainly. I did not hold back, and I feel like she did not either, which is rare and good in its own way.

The truth is that I was already over this relationship some time ago, and that makes me feel a little cruel. Yet the way things had been going left me so sad that, when it ended, I could not bring myself to feel bad about it. Specially because deep down I knew it was better for both of us, and especially for me.

What caught me off guard was how insecure she felt about a certain friendship of mine. I made things clear. I hated that she felt that way, and I would have wanted to help her, but by then it was no longer my responsibility, and she seemed to understand. I hold my friendships close, especially the newer ones, because I feel like I am finally meeting the people I had been waiting for. They are the ones I want to spend a lifetime with, and I am tired of giving that up just to remain in a place where I do not feel safe or happy. I think she understood that, at least to some degree.

I also shared how regretful I was about the way last year unfolded, and how much I had tried to make her see that I had changed and grown as a person. She told me she always noticed, and that she appreciated it, which gave me hope. On a very personal note, I have never liked the way I am. I never felt like a good person, not in any true sense, except perhaps recently. These days I feel as though I am improving, and that has given me a sense of hope, hope for a better me, for selfish reasons and also for the sake of those around me. That has always made me happy. I love making my friends feel joy, to offer them the love and care I have always wanted for myself. It may seem selfish at times, but it is something I truly enjoy doing.

I do not know where my life is headed from here, but I do know that I have good people around me who truly care and want the best for me. That thought alone makes me excited for what lies ahead. I look forward to the new people I will meet, the experiences I will live through, and the plans I have for the future.

My ex-girlfriend was an important chapter in my life. She made me feel every possible emotion, and perhaps even some I had never known before. Through her I learned, I grew, I regretted, and I rejoiced. What remains now are the experiences I gained and the memories worth keeping.

I love being loved just as much as I love caring for others, and I think I finally deserve it. It feels strange to admit that, since I cannot remember the last time I felt worthy of love and understanding. Once again I find myself single, unsure of what exactly I will make of it, but I feel confident. And sometimes confidence is already half the work done.