Things are not going well I'm afraid. Perhaps last time I reflected on the topic it was still too fresh for me to properly digest, perhaps it is the things that have happened since that have made it worse. I am not sure, I am not sure of anything anymore. I've known despair in my life, plenty of times as a matter of fact, and perhaps it always seems this bad, but honestly, I see no end to it this time.

As it turns out, things happened, I will stay cryptic, for a wide array of reasons which I will not disclose. I feel a rush of anguish inside of me, the kind that feels like a balloon in your chest, and makes breathing just slightly harder. I cannot describe in full detail what I've been experiencing because it is very intense and quite hard to put into words, so let's leave it at that. Stuff has been happening lately, and I cannot for the life of me think on what to do. God, I don't want to lead anyone on, but I need time, plenty of time, time to think, to reflect, to redeem myself if that is even possible anymore, I just need time, and I asked for it, and it didn't work.

I don't want to hurt anyone ever, anymore. I want to be happy, and enjoy the good things life offers me, but I can't, and I know why, which makes it all worse. I feel stuck, like I'm pressed between two walls, and it is only getting tighter and tighter. I fear hurting the people who I love now, and the people who I loved before. The truth is, I'd love to be alone, for a while, a long while. I was wrong, very wrong, and you were right, you were oh so right. I'm so sorry.

But now I feel like I can't. It's an option I can't take without hurting even more people in the process, and also hurting the life I've been attempting to build. And I hate it, I hate the position I'm in. I hate the fleeting joy, I hate the dumb fuck I was last year, and the year before that and so on, hell, I hate the dumb fuck I am right now. I'm sorry, I'm so incredibly sorry.

Sometimes I just think of ending it all, yes, those ugly old thoughts, you know them well, and I'm sorry for that, but it is the truth. The damage I've done, it is a burden I carry every day, and I deserve to, but it's been slowly killing me, it's almost tangible, I can feel it eating away at myself.

I'm going to therapy now, so that's something good, at least. But how can I fit so much in 30 minute conversations? I don't know what I'll do. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Really, I've been trying my best but I just... I don't know.